3/29/2013 The First Day of the Rest of Our Lives Without Him

(Wilmington, DE)

Yes, I know the title says the first day and that my dad has in actuality been gone five days now.  I look as today as the new beginning now that the funeral is over.  It’s certainly not a beginning we want but one we have to deal with.

I’m confused.  We don’t cry.  My mom won’t cry in front of me and in return I won’t cry in front of her.  So both of us are holding our hurt and raw emotions in.  This can’t be healthy for either one of us, yet neither one will give in and let it all out.  At one point I watched her fill up a little bit and told her to let it go, that its ok to cry but darn if she didn’t suck it up and get past it.  I thought we were suppose to cry.  Aren't we?

I think about him and the fact that I won’t talk with him again while I’m still on this earth.   That makes me so sad but I can’t cry.  I’ve held it in so much this past week and buried it so deep that I can’t get it back to the surface.  Will it ever come out?  A month from now?  Six months from now?

Friends have told me it just hasn’t hit yet.  All the same I feel like the coldest person on earth because I haven’t had that sobbing, heart wrenching, headache inducing, cry yet.  Maybe it will never come.

Today we started packing up his clothes.  I called the Veteran’s Hospital Living Community (nursing home) and asked if they could use pajamas or anything else and was met with an enthusiastic yes!  We figured there could be some men that maybe don’t have families in the area to buy things for them as they are needed.  The lady said they what they couldn’t use would be passed on to the organization that helps homeless veterans.  It just seemed like the perfect match considering my dad’s military career.  It wasn’t a job completed in one day, it was just a start.  Actually, we need more boxes.

I’d like to take the time to thank all you that have left comments, written me heartwarming and  thoughtful emails, sent sympathy cards and called me.  Each and every gesture is much appreciated.

I saw my first sign of spring today.  My first robin.  They’ve been here a while now but I took notice for the first time today.  That said, spring is taking its good ol’ time getting here.  Winter jackets and long pants are the norm when we go out.  It’s just as well, I didn’t pack any shorts and tees anyway.  Mom keeps reminding me that its only March which is hard for me to remember because when I talk with Bob with every night he tells me that its in the  mid-80’s now and 90’s are in the 10 day forecast.  Here it’s the 50’s with the high 50’s in the forecast.  I am so ready for warm weather.