My poor Bob. He had one of those days where everything he touched fell apart in his hands, he didn’t have the right tool for the job, the truck is acting up….I felt so bad for him.
We planted some more plants today and Bob got our solar lights up in the “backyard” I’ll have to get pics tomorrow.
We went over to the 5th wheel which is in storage today to make sure all the doors were locked. Bob just had a nagging feeling that one was open. There wasn’t but now he has piece of mind.
He wanted to drain the water out of the hot water heater, something that wasn’t done. He didn’t have the right tool with him.
On the way, the whole mile that we drove, we heard this “sucking air” sound. Something else to find and fix on the truck.
It’s been a helluva day and now our Phillie’s aren’t doing too well as I write this,,,but there’s still one inning left.
30 Days of Truth - Day 3 - Something You Have To Forgive Yourself For.
I had no problem figuring out what this was going to be for me.
I am a step-mother. The wicked step-mother. My husband’s two sons came to live with us six months after we were married. It lasted six weeks. Them living with us, not the marriage. Let me preface this with that I never, ever wanted children. After six weeks with us these two boys, 5 and 7, went to live with a wonderful foster family close by to us. I just couldn’t handle having two kids coming into a brand new marriage unexpectedly.
Over the next year there were weekend visits and for several months, one evening a week, I took the boys on my own. I did this to get to know them one on one. I really tried, I wanted this to work.
After a year passed, we went to court to get them out of foster care and back into our home on a full time basis. I thought I was ready for this. Actually, I felt guilty as hell that they were in foster care because I couldn’t handle them from the git go. Now I look back and say to myself, “What the hell were you thinking?” What made me think that if I took steps to make sure I never had my OWN children that I was going to be happy raising someone else’s. I don’t care if they were my husband’s. They weren’t mine.
Shortly after they arrived, we went into Family Counseling. Every week, every Wednesday evening for 90 minutes. We talked, we yelled, we cried and I continually asked myself “why”. WHY did I put the four of us into this situation? I certainly didn’t do it for ME. I did it for my husband, after all, they were his sons. I did it because I thought they would be better off with me than with HER! After all, they were taken from HER for neglect. Wrong reasons.
Did I take care of these kids? Yes. They had perfect attendance in school, they went to the dentist twice a year, their clothes were always clean, I helped them with homework, I taught them manners, took them to amusement parks and I resented every minute of it.
Did I love these kids? No. I feel so bad about that. They missed out on the heartfelt hugs and I love you’s every child should have. That’s not to say I didn’t ever hug them, but they were few and far between.
This went on for 8 years. At 13 & 15 when they hit that mouthy, teenage, know it all stage I had reached my limit. Back to their mom they went. I should have never done that and I’ll take full responsibility, for it was my decision and my ultimatum to my husband. She was much more interested in being their friend rather than a parent. Neither one ever attended school again.
I need to get past this. I need to forgive myself for not loving those little boys. Today, they are grown men with families of their own. I honestly think they have forgiven me. In fact, when they were 20 & 22 they came to the house one day and thanked me. When I asked what for they said for all I did for them when they lived with us. They told me they were sorry they talked back and worked at making my life miserable because they could see now that they would have been better off had they stayed. They would have at least graduated from high school better prepared for the world ahead of them.
I should have worked harder at loving them. I could have opened my heart instead of being resentful of the time and money it took to take care of them. I would do it differently if I had the chance. Shoulda, coulda, woulda.
Snookie, it’s 23 years later, they are fine, responsible men. You did what you were capable of, its ok, let it go.
7 comments:
I must forgive myself for running away to build a new life. The one I have is great. I'm going to keep it and all the special people in it.
Not seeing my mom more often.
Amen. Listen to your last paragraph. I am so proud of you for being so honest and transparent.
During my life I have had so many things to forgive myself for. It took me a long time, but somewhere along the way, I learned how to do just that. Thank you, Jesus!
Wow, this is a big one for me. I have a hopelessly narcissistic mother that is old and sick and lives alone. After many years of trying to be the "good child" and have a relationship with her, I finally reached my limit and have cut ties with her. My mind knows it is the only thing I can do, but the guilt may never go away. I know that after 55 years, she will never change, so I need to forgive myself and go on. Easier said than done.
I have to forgive myself for making my older daughter live for 7 years with her abusive father. I have to forgive myself for making her listen to the yelling and witness all that he did to me physically and mentally. I have to forgive myself for not believing in myself. I have to forgive myself for over protecting her even though she is a loving and caring Mom of two terrific boys. I have to forgive myself for over protecting my younger daughter by thinking I have to be both Mom and Dad due to the death of her Father, who was and always will be the love of my life. I have to learn when enough is enough.
There are several things, many actually. I have already forgiven myself for some things over the years but I don't know if guilt ever really goes away completely. You do the best you can with what you have and when you know better, you do better. I remind myself of that from time to time.
In the end Snookie you only cheated yourself. Barb
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