4/15/2009 The Tax Man Cometh

Ahh,,,,April 15th. Did I ever tell you that I used to look forward to this day? That I waited until 10 p.m. on the 15th of April to mail our tax return, this was before e-filing of course. I just LOVED going to the main post office at this time of night on this day. I'd join the long line of cars and listen to my favorite radio station as we inched our way towards the postal workers who were working the curb. Of course I could have just handed the guy or gal my envelope and kept going but that would have defeated the purpose of going so late on this night. You see, our post office made a party out of it. There was a band or a karoke machine or a DJ, always something and they gave out candy. The candy was to sweeten the sting for those who had to pay. I would stand with the small group that was watching all the goings on and just stand there and be thankful that we didn't owe the government any money and were actually getting a check back. We never got big checks back for our overpaid taxes but we had friends who would get a thousand or two. I never understood that. Why give the government a free loan? But all that is past now, e-filing has taken the forefront in dealing with taxes. This is the first year that we didn't have H&R Block do our taxes. I did them using their free software online. Fill in a few blanks, type in a few numbers, click on send and in three weeks we'll have more money in the bank. We only had to file Federal this year as we made no extra money other than the retirement checks and since we call Texas home now and they don't have state income tax.... well, doing taxes has now become very simple for us. Thank heaven!

Today I discovered Facebook. Yeah, I've known it was around but never paid any attention to it. So I go into the site and am told almost immediately that four people are looking for me. WHAT? WHO? WHY? So now I have a page. I'm not really sure I quite "get" this yet. I see where people have typed in random thoughts or statements, just a sentence actually. I guess this is Facebook's equivalent to a "Tweet" on Twitter? I don't know, I'll have to check this out more.

For those of you have checked out the site for Stellan on the sidebar, please keep the little guy in your prayers as he will be airlifted to Boston Children's Hospital today or tomorrow.


Let's see what I can find the "file".....

I don't care what anybody says .... this is funny! (The "I", my, me etc. is NOT ME, I don't even like chili!)

Killer Chili

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to $h!t yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanero peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as 'thunder and lightning'. Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market, a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.

It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneros in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot. There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it. I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh... BIG mistake!!!!! Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that at the very least, someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun; or, at the worst, Islamic terrorists had invaded Wal-Mart with AK-47's blasting away, and launching a toxic nerve gas attack. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then quickly left. Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem .'That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Kroger's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store. (the end)


You laughed,,,,I know you did!


DOES ANYONE HAVE THE ANSWERS?

In early March, First Lady Michelle Obama showed up as a surprise and welcome volunteer at Miriam's Kitchen, a soup kitchen for homeless poor people not far from the White House. She brought with her some food donated by White House staff.

This picture presents questions: if he's homeless and getting a free lunch, how does he afford a cell phone? And if he's homeless, exactly where does Verizon send his bills each month?



Answer me that!

HAVE A GOOD DAY!