(Arizona City, AZ)
Everyone has dates that they remember without hesitation. The date you were engaged, got married, had your first child, won the lottery, graduated from high school and the date you lost someone.
One year ago on March 22 I got the phone call I never wanted. The one telling me to come home as quickly as I could get there. It was the beginning of the end.
I woke this the morning at just a few minutes past 5:00a.m. The time we got the phone call last year. I didn’t even have to think about what date it was, I just knew as soon as I opened my eyes.
I lost my dad a year ago this weekend. Lost. No, that’s not right, I didn’t lose my dad, I know where he is, he’s in heaven waiting for me. I will see him again.
I miss my dad so much. So many times this past year I wanted to pick up the phone on Sunday morning and have our half hour chat. I wanted to know what he was reading, I wanted to share some news I heard about a mutual friend, I wanted to ask about the weather and tell him where we were and what we had seen, done, and where we were going next. I wanted so badly to hear his usual sign off when we chatted,,,,”Love ya babe”
I keep living the weekend over and over again in my mind. I can’t stop it. The phone call, the long flight home, seeing my mom for the first time, that first visit to the hospital, holding his hand, those tests to see if there was a response from him every two hours and of course, the meeting with the doctors where a major decision had to be made. A decision no one ever wants to make, or should have to make.
I miss him so much. It hasn’t been the easiest of years. Not for me and certainly not for my mom.
I’ve made a decision to quit focusing on what I’m missing and what we’ve lost and instead focus on how fortunate I am to have had my dad for nearly 60 years. I’m going to focus on happy memories instead of leaning towards being sad because there won’t be any new ones. Its what he would want.
They say time heals all. I don’t know if I agree with this. I think time just makes it bearable.
So we are done with our year of firsts. We won’t think this is the first whatever without Dad. Been there, done that, don’t have to do that anymore.
I’ll close this with me sitting here thinking about talking on the phone with my dad and sign off hearing him say,,,,,Love ya babe. .
I love you too Dad.